“We are each a localised field of energy and information with cybernetic feedback loops interacting within a non-local field of energy and information.” – Deepak Chopra
Mr. Deity just posted this video featuring himself and Michael Shermer. The video pokes fun and explores some of the techniques gurus use to attract a following
Chopra is the undisputed master of mysticism and he has perfected his language; a distasteful bouillabaisse of new age woo-woo and pseudoscientific jargon. The introductory quote is supposed to sound meaningful and insightful but in fact meaningless. In it, he tries to marry our common experience of consciousness with programming logic and quantum physics. He doesn’t know anything about any of those but if you say it with confidence people will assume you know the subject.
It occurs to me that new age gurus and dog gurus have a lot in common.
If we don’t apprehend the energetic essence that all things have in common, our mind will perceive the inside as being distinct form the outside, the mind separate form the body; time segmented into a past, present, and future; nature disconnected from humans; and our dog as a separate conscious being apart from ourselves.” – Kevin Behan, Your Dog is Your Mirror (xxvi)
Behan’s approach is simple, all we need to do is achieve omniscience and apprehend the “the energetic essence that all things have in common” which of course means we apprehend all things. Not some, not the relevant things. ALL THINGS. And like a God (or Dr. Manhattan in the Watchmen) past, present and future will meld into one.
Cesar Millan is another kind of guru. Millan lacks the skills for flowery Chopra-esque proclamations and sticks to well rehearsed phrases like “energy/body language” – it’s always energy with these guys. Millan is like the carnival preacher selling simple answers about things he couldn’t possibly know; like knowing dogs’ about energies and their invisible limitations.
“They set invisible limitations for one another all the time by using energy and body language.” – Millan in How to Raise the Perfect Dog
How he came to this knowledge? Gurus never tell.
Between Behan and Millan we find Dale McCluskey. This Florida trainer has also “discovered” the secrets of dogs. Though as we’d expect, his amazing discovery is different from the gurus mentioned. McCluskey calls his invention The Relational Dog Training Model but like Natural Dog Training he can never clearly describe what it is.
“One of the big issues this guide lifts the curtain on is what I define as the physical response and relational disconnect which is all too common with systems that elevate an ideology rather than focusing on the unique relational beings that dogs really are.” – Dale McCluskey in ‘The Relational Dog Training Model’
Most of his video posts are psychotic stream-of-consciousness rants about “trash science” and the conspiratorial “agendas” of the scientific community – a belief he shares with Behan who also believes science is out to get him.
While Behan claims that his genius goes unrecognized because scientists think too much to get what he is saying, McCluskey sees darker motives, a world-wide conspiracy that includes all scientists and dog trainers – he calls it the ‘science agenda.’
Now that we see how it’s done, I am going to gurufy myself.
Let me introduce you to the one and only dog training method you will ever need. I developed this system by integrating my non-local consciousness into the eternal cybernetic infinite mind.
Introducing Quantum String Dog Training®.
In it I will teach you to incorporate higher-order dimensions and non-linear space-time to produce self-emergent infinite Julia patterns so you can individuate your logic-loops into a deeper and eternal psycho-social connection. Quantum superpositioning yourself as the pack-leader is compared to the use of dominance to achieve the α-position and other hierarchical modalities. The goal and benefits of inhabiting the same quantum fields through Rindler space will be explored and contrasted to macro-scale focused ideologies. We also learn how to enhance emotional interconnectivity by avoiding entanglement entropy. At more advance levels we implement random pack walks and Bayesian approach to formulate a phylogeny of inter-specific and intra-specific semiotics.
This may all sound daunting and the idea of scrapping all you know is surely intimidating. At first you will feel confused as you struggle with these easy yet universal concepts. I urge you to persevere and achieve the infinite rewards that await.
“To learn my teachings, I must first teach you how to learn.” – The Sphinx in Mystery Men