“We are each a localised field of energy and information with cybernetic feedback loops interacting within a non-local field of energy and information.” – Deepak Chopra
Mr. Deity just posted this video featuring himself and Michael Shermer. The video pokes fun and explores some of the techniques gurus use to attract a following
Chopra is the undisputed master of mysticism and he has perfected his language; a distasteful bouillabaisse of new age woo-woo and pseudoscientific jargon. The introductory quote is supposed to sound meaningful and insightful but in fact meaningless. In it, he tries to marry our common experience of consciousness with programming logic and quantum physics. He doesn’t know anything about any of those but if you say it with confidence people will assume you know the subject.
It occurs to me that new age gurus and dog gurus have a lot in common.
If we don’t apprehend the energetic essence that all things have in common, our mind will perceive the inside as being distinct form the outside, the mind separate form the body; time segmented into a past, present, and future; nature disconnected from humans; and our dog as a separate conscious being apart from ourselves.” – Kevin Behan, Your Dog is Your Mirror (xxvi)
Behan’s approach is simple, all we need to do is achieve omniscience and apprehend the “the energetic essence that all things have in common” which of course means we apprehend all things. Not some, not the relevant things. ALL THINGS. And like a God (or Dr. Manhattan in the Watchmen) past, present and future will meld into one.
Cesar Millan is another kind of guru. Millan lacks the skills for flowery Chopra-esque proclamations and sticks to well rehearsed phrases like “energy/body language” – it’s always energy with these guys. Millan is like the carnival preacher selling simple answers about things he couldn’t possibly know; like knowing dogs’ about energies and their invisible limitations.
“They set invisible limitations for one another all the time by using energy and body language.” – Millan in How to Raise the Perfect Dog
How he came to this knowledge? Gurus never tell.
Between Behan and Millan we find Dale McCluskey. This Florida trainer has also “discovered” the secrets of dogs. Though as we’d expect, his amazing discovery is different from the gurus mentioned. McCluskey calls his invention The Relational Dog Training Model but like Natural Dog Training he can never clearly describe what it is.
“One of the big issues this guide lifts the curtain on is what I define as the physical response and relational disconnect which is all too common with systems that elevate an ideology rather than focusing on the unique relational beings that dogs really are.” – Dale McCluskey in ‘The Relational Dog Training Model’
Most of his video posts are psychotic stream-of-consciousness rants about “trash science” and the conspiratorial “agendas” of the scientific community – a belief he shares with Behan who also believes science is out to get him.
While Behan claims that his genius goes unrecognized because scientists think too much to get what he is saying, McCluskey sees darker motives, a world-wide conspiracy that includes all scientists and dog trainers – he calls it the ‘science agenda.’
Now that we see how it’s done, I am going to gurufy myself.
Let me introduce you to the one and only dog training method you will ever need. I developed this system by integrating my non-local consciousness into the eternal cybernetic infinite mind.
Introducing Quantum String Dog Training®.
In it I will teach you to incorporate higher-order dimensions and non-linear space-time to produce self-emergent infinite Julia patterns so you can individuate your logic-loops into a deeper and eternal psycho-social connection. Quantum superpositioning yourself as the pack-leader is compared to the use of dominance to achieve the α-position and other hierarchical modalities. The goal and benefits of inhabiting the same quantum fields through Rindler space will be explored and contrasted to macro-scale focused ideologies. We also learn how to enhance emotional interconnectivity by avoiding entanglement entropy. At more advance levels we implement random pack walks and Bayesian approach to formulate a phylogeny of inter-specific and intra-specific semiotics.
This may all sound daunting and the idea of scrapping all you know is surely intimidating. At first you will feel confused as you struggle with these easy yet universal concepts. I urge you to persevere and achieve the infinite rewards that await.
Just remember:
“To learn my teachings, I must first teach you how to learn.” – The Sphinx in Mystery Men
Science and Dogs 
Really hilarious. So true too. I enjoyed your take on the two dog trainers too. You are like their MIT too.
You mean I don’t have to be the moose? Or was it the wolf? Dammit. I can never keep it straight.
“Dogs don’t care about catechism, nor cats, dogma.” – Sixpak Chakra aka Gallivan Burwell
The scary thing is that “random pack walks” actually sounds catchy enough to sell big.
Hilarious and terrifying post.
I’m going on a random pack walk right now.
You could made this a serious Quantum String Dog Training manifesto and I bet you anything people would be jumping on the bandwagon. If you put energy or quantum people buy it.
I created a Mandelbrottweiler that digs holes recursively in my backyard.
Genius.
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Seriously, as a breeder and trainner I don’t buy all these nonsence. If I want to train my child I don’t need a book of science to explain what I mean. What I will do is give a command and simply demonstrate it. Why do we like to confuse ourselves with science.
I read “Cesar’s Way” a few years ago, and I am no ditto-head of his, but I never got the impression Cesar Milan used the term “energy” in a mystical sense. He talks about a person’s energy more in the sense of what personality/demeanor/mood you project with your body language and state of mind. There is nothing mystical about standing with confidence and being firm. When people like him speak of “the energy you project”, they are rarely talking about some kind of aura or force field. They mean the way you act and behave, and the emotional/mental state that it broadcasts to observers.
As for the “invisible limitations” bit, again, he is talking about how a dog will signal with body language and physical behavior that you are too close, etc. It’s not magic; there are detectable physical cues that most of us miss, but dogs intuitively know how to read. Learning this “invisible” language is mostly a matter of observation. Surely you know this. Don’t take everything so literally.
Psychology != Mysticism
Another meaningless gem from Kevin Behan
“This means that she reflected the shepherd’s emotional charge back at him, and this resistance is what triggered the dog’s physical memories of flow, i.e. its puppy mind. Then through a process of elaboration wherein both individuals generate traits on demand (active/reactive/direct/indirect) and which transpires through the core code universal to all emotional beings, so that they in sync project emotion, absorb emotion, and then project it back in a more refined state, heart EVOLVED into existence.”
Guru,
If there is a wrinkle in the space-time continuum, will my dog achieve perfect recall, simply because he never left in the first place?
LOL
Right, he synergistically went out to pee without ever leaving your side.
Hilarious, reeks as bad as most education jargon. Can’t tell whether I’m laughing or crying, because generations of dogs — as with kids — get hurt with some of this baloney.
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I’m afraid I can’t find humor in this blog and comments, even though I know it helps some to combat the object horror they must be feeling since many I know from Facebook are empathic individuals, capable of feeling for the perpetual underdog these “professionals” written about create. Training is a battle, the dog is the enemy, dog must be subdued, man must triumph.
The dilusional rants about “pigeons” (a favorite of Dale), and paranoia about dogs always out to “dominate” us (of course I mean layman’s here since I know for a fact the subjects written about haven’t the slightest idea about the ethological concept, compliments of these men means misery for many a dog.
How many of us have had to work with these poor broken down souls and put the pieces back together again after they’ve been through the hands of such trainers et all? It’s heart wrenching.
Dogs are vulnerable to our whims. There’s almost always some tool to be applied often and hard enough, and enough diligence to break them down, or to “rehabilitate”/”train” them.
Man triumphs over beast. Man feels powerful. Of course they (man) fights tooth and nail to continue their ways. They can’t force that type of subservience from their peers, only dogs, horses, and children.
Big men. Great men. Breaking down troubled or just plain untrained/not well trained dogs. No longer dogs, the goal is to creature puppets who bow to the human’s cruel ego.
It baffles me that it’s allowed, trainers can enact anything they wish on dogs. And so many fight so empathically to continue to do so. I wish more of their empathy would be better placed fighting for the wellbeing of the well fair of dogs. Competent, effective, gentle, science based training.
I’ve seen proudly posted videos from these men, the dog patiently at their side, waiting for a cue, yet getting inexplicable leash jerks, powerful enough to lift them off their feet.
It’s fun to hurt, to bully, to scare, to make these dogs cower into puddles of nerves on the floor.
I have to say, I see sickness here. Though it’s not very professional of me to write that. But I can’t condone the unnecessary suffering of those who can’t defend themselves.